the heart is a lonely holiday

oh how i love christmases on my own!

christmas wasnt the same and i pissed. however i had fun.

it felt like any old day at the chelaks though. even thought it was fun, i just dont know. but then again im friggin moody as hell. its a morning on a saturday and im siting in bed. ooooo. last night is saw the curious case of benjamin button with kayla, kimmy, and kristal and it was soooooo goood. however, it was three hours long!! whew! thn we went back to kimmys and hung out for a while. haha good times. 

i miss sasha fierce!

gah im so bored. shoot me.

our town... friggin sucks

so i go to this lame ass party and it was lame so a few of us decided to leave for our own happy hour and then those plans got shot so a called everyone trying to find something to do. and without success, i drove my tush home. 

it doesnt feel like christmas and im ticked! normally i am all about me some christmas but two days from now itll be almost over and thats hella depressing. however it must feel weird cause this is the first christmas where i have actually purchased things for other people. i guess this giving this is taking away from all the excitement of receiving, as selfish as that sounds. 

i have had an eventful break so far though, which is nice. im not just sitting on my butt waiting for christmas to roll around. so i guess thats why it stuck up on me. 

while i am trying to have my great amazing break there is a thought that is always nipping at my brain. that harrison will leave in january. and while he wants to go i will just be selfish and say that i dont want him to. but he knows that. i think everyone knows that. im going to be stuck here alone with none of my best friends and it sucks. gahhhhhh.

but anyway. i guess im done. 

pickens sucks.

tonight sucked.

halleler in the church hallelur.

a portrait of the con artist as a young man

sometimes people dont know what they want. and sometimes people dont know who they are.

i am elated that the holiday season is among us. christmas time is the most wonderful tim of the year. or at least thats what the song said.

i am so unsure of my place right now

in the hearts and minds of many people. i am very confused. i dont know what people expect or want from me. maybe im just tired. i have been out of it these past few weeks; worrying about english, and trying to go to work and the theater every day. even though i just got home from math tonight i feel so relieved to not have to be at the playhouse. 

he said he mimght come friday, but her didnt. i didnt really expect him to either. but i imagined him standing there after it was over with a single rose waiting for me. a hug.

but some things are still left to the imagination. i do not know what will come of our untimely "frelationship". im tired of trying to think about it. 

the play is going well though. the kids are all the time driving us crazy but honestly, i wouldnt have it any other way. it makes for good conversation, bashing the small children. perhaps i will post a picture or several on my facebook tonight. 

miss me,

xoxo

something wonderful this way comes

soooooo i am so happy right now. really. theres this guy and no matter what i do or say he makes me feel amazing! gahhhh! what have i done to deserve a guy this great? saturday night cannot come soon enough.

so we had a core four craft date last night and the letters came out surprisingly well. i got merediths and she got mine! wooohooo. heres a photo. 

im just really really happy right now. like really. 

ahhhhhh

so tomorrow is black friday and i have to wake up at three!!! to go shopping! its ridiculous. i wouldnt have thought that it could get any worse than last year (starting shopping at midnight) but i think it has. because last year i wanted to go, and this year i have no desire whatsoever! so im gonna be walking around all morning dreadful because i wont be able to be texting my sweetie cause idk when hes getting up, and ughhhh. kill me now!!

but dont.

i dont ever want to wake up.

because im obviously dreaming.

xoxo mbl

the seven also rises

7 things 

7 things i can do:
1. sing
2. dance
3. act
4. talk your ears off
5. cut a hoe
6. text really fast
7. take a good picture

7 things i cant do:
1. drive well
2. read fast
3. be without my phone
4. win at mancala
5. ugly people
6. live without movies
7. save money

7 things i love about the core 4:
1. they understand every facet that is austin
2. we are inseparable
3. time and distance is nothing to our friendship
4. they let me play with their hair
5. our joint home: the chelaks
6. craft time
7. love

7 places i would like to see myself:
1. new york
2. paris
3. london
4. milan
5. hollywood
6. charleston
7. brazil

7 thing i say more than the rest:
1. bitch
2. holla!
3. okkk
4. wtf
5. rude
6. girl, i dont even know.
7. ay bay bay

the sound and the volley

it has been a while since my last post.

i have been extremely busy here recently. i have rehearsal every dang day. i still have school and work. plus im playing in our schools stud muffin volleyball game. SENIORS BABY! oh nine is the only way to go. i have practice in about twenty minutes =D. i skipped work to go so it better be gooooood. 

beckys wedding is tomorrow. im not gonna tell her im coming cause i havent talked to her in a while and i want it to be a surprise when she sees me. that is, if it doesnt rain. cause its supposed to be an outside wedding.

im trying to take my online class more serious in hopes that i dont fail it. 

but other than that nothing is new. the play practices are getting much more boring and i feel like sherri is on her last limb. but whatever!!!

you know you love me

xoxo

to kill a lock-in bird

and so october ends.

last night was the much anticipated lock-in at the theater and in my opinion, it went off without a hitch. no one's friends came but that don't matta! the middle schoolers ran around in the theater while i simply stomped around in a pair of heels. oh yeahhh. but lexi's house was fun and then we dance partied and watched movies. i feel that it was a success.

so this morning i got an itch to see HSM3 again so i picked up cassidy and we went to see it. then i went to wal-mart where i picked up a cheap halloween costume for tonight, which is ben's party. it should be pretty poppin. apparently the entire senior class is coming so that should be interesting. 

mine and marks relationship is on the rocks. i feel that the romance is dwindling!! please give me comments on what you think i should do!!!

the old man and the SAT

so i just got home from the ACT. but hold that thought.

so rehearsals started this week. and i went to one of them. haha.

but other than that i've had school and work. the play continued its second and final weekend and this entire week i have felt disjoint from the show altogether. i havent thought about the show or my lines or anything. i dont think im as stressed as i think i am. haha. i just wig out sometimes thinking about all of the stuff i have to do. 

so i got my SAT scores back and it wasnt what i wanted. i told myself that i wanted to get a 1200 and i got my scores. 1190!!!!!! eleven-fricken-ninety! i was pissed. it is utterly ridiculous.

but other than that everything has been pretty normal. me and harrison are bffls. and me and mark are soon to be engaged, married, pregnant, and growing old together. ahhh!

the future holds magnificent things!

(btw im praying for a 29 on my ACT. cross them fingers!)

the catcher in the lie

long time, no post.

i went to new orleans and it was pretty friggin awesome. the city, that is. the trip was fun but some of the people werent. i wont get into it too much but lets just say that a lie was spread and i had to be the one to put a sophomore or two in their place. if you wanna see photos go to my facebook.

the show is going well. the audiences are slim as to be expected, but it really is a quality show. i, as well as many others, am also in the next play too. its called not even a mouse and i am the gay pi-rat. our first read through is tomorrow. oh and btw, i still have next weekend of shallowford. meaning that i am being another show without even finishing the one im already doing! its ridiculous!

emma came home this weekend. and oh how i love seeing her. haha.

i dont know what to think anymore about some of my friends. i got in a bit of a tiff with my friend kelly while i was in new orleans. apparently while we were gone she got wasted and then tried to lie to all of us that were on the trip about it. and me and harrison are having a rough patch. he thinks im controlling him. ahhh. idk. i wish i could completely vent on this blog but i just cant. some things are better left unsaid.

maybe i should try the whole keeping-my-mouth-shut thing. maybe.

the hunt for red (hot men in) october

well the SAT went over pretty well. cross your fingers for a 1200!!

also the clean up day for the theater was great. the youth board is poppin this year. 

also i had an amazing time at the district rally. i think i got so wrapped up in senior year that i completely forgot how much i missed my stuco friends. i might be going to the district 5 rally this friday and then (eeeeeek) friday night we leave for southern! new orleans! eeek! im so friggin excited! hopefully i will meet some guy on this trip! i bes in need of a good man. hahaa.

we started working on our homecoming float and ya'll it is going to be straight up gangsta!!!!

also, i am still rehearsing and it is taking up alll my evenings! i mean we open next friday but there is no need for me to have to come this much. and then she got all pissy when i told her i couldnt be there on monday! im gonna be in new orleans woman! gah she be trippin! fo sho!

saturday night harrison, emma, and i had a camp out sleepover. it was eventful as they always were. we watched speed racer and then i was out like a light! i'm so glad i finally got to see emma. i missed her sooo much.

until later.

a farewell to arms... and legs... hell, take it all!

oh em gee. gas is killing me.

today school was funny. there was a little unnecessary drama and a lot of fighting!

me and kimmy threw down on the floor in stuco. haha. it was friggin hilarious.

the rally is tomorrow! i am soooooo excited! and then next weekend is NEW ORLEANS! i cant believe its all coming this fast. today when i was talking about the rally kelly said "oh itll be your last one" and i could feel the tears well up. it makes me so sad to think that such a huge part of my life will most likely be over when i graduate.

but whatever. the play is going fine i guess. the director is a little loopy but i guess she has some good ideas. =/

after rehearsal tonight i went over to the chelaks and it was pretty poppin. jolyn sure knows how to whip up some burgers. they was delicious. i love the chelaks. 

so now im supposed to be helping my mom make cookies but there really isnt anything i can do sooooooo i am typing this. haha.

emma's coming home this weekend! woo. i miss my emma love

for whom the bitch tolls

ahhhh life is a stressful jumble.

meredith was home this weekend and its so good to know that we will always be besties. we are never different when we come back together. and i do be lovin my harrison all da time.

school is ahhhh. i have the rally this friday and i am so excited to see my riverside peeps. and then next weekend is southern!! its been creeping up on me! but im so stoked for that too!!!!

i have the SAT saturday then i have to go straight to the theatre where i will be late for the clean up day. and im the prez!!! gurgggg. so wish me luck (and a 1200)

i just watched the latest episode of gossip girl and i just have to say that it is the best show on the face of the planet. the next new episode isnt for two weeks and i'm absolutely livid! the commercial for it looked amazing. but ahhh, enough about a tv show.

im going to bed. tomorrow i have to pick up a ton of breakfast items from ingles plus finish revising my essay (and by finishing i mean starting) that is due tomorrow. then i have work and rehearsal. and since i have rehearsal i'll be missing the daniel volleyball game. urggg! this pat shull bitch better be glad im dedicated. 

ahhh i love my life.

No. 12 laugh out loud

i have just had one of the funniest experiences of my life happen to me. so im coming home form a friends dance party and i pas by a gas station thinking "oh it'll be fine i can make it home." so right as i pass it my car shuts down. crap crap crap. so i pull i swift u turn, trying to get back to the gas station and my car hits the curb and stops in the middle of oncoming traffic. fuck fuck fuck. so i call my mom and not even thirty second later my friend melle pulls up and asks me what is wrong. i tell her and then not even thirty second later another car full of boys comes by and hops out of the car like in the old superhero cartoons and start pushing my car toward the gas station. 

now every time i pass by someone pushing a car i cant help but laugh. but now i have a newfound appreciation for the pushers in the world. otherwise, how else would our cars get back to the fuel station when they run out of gas. hallelujah for pickens hospitality.

i love my job. no matter how crappy the pay is or how bummed i am to go, it makes me feel so good to have known such awesome people. and not only the counselors but the kids too. 

also, harrison is home now. YAY! 

even though a lot of people are still away, i feel like im getting a sense of summer back. part of me feels complete again. and i am so happy where i am right now. 

i wouldnt have it any other way.

laugh out loud, being the last and most fitting of the title blog posts, is the best of them all. laughter is the source of all happiness, and therefore is the source of life.

No. ?

i have one more number. number 12. but i feel that this post isn't necessarily worthy of my final number.

so i feel like im transitioning very well.  i mean with the whole senior year and losing all my friends to the horrors of college. 

however today i discovered that i thought an assignment was due today when it was due YESTERDAY! im absolutely livid!! but i fricken dont want to let the teacher think that im a slacker already. teachers normally dont discover that till mid semester! 

i havent talked to harrison much anymore. i guess he's busy. but i really havent talked o meredith or emma that much. but i know theyre trying. and i dont blame them for it. plus, i'm probably just as busy as they are right now.

this week is spirit week and friday is the big easley game. i have taken off work and everything. i am going to the pep rally, then the tailgating in the senior lot, then the tailgating at legacy square, and the to the football game. 

then saturday is the youth board meeting. people better show up, cause i'm stressing. also i need to come up with a few designs for a t-shirt so that they can be voted on at the meeting. i really dont want to just decide without consulting the board. you know?

but whatever. we finally got our computer fixed and our wireless set up. yay!!

wish me love. xo

No. 11 take the last flight out

at this very moment i am typing this blog on my brand new macbook that came in the mail no less than an hour ago. ahhhh. its pretty miraculous. i'm still trying to figure all of it out.

so in the last week of my wonderful life i have done not too much. this past sunday i had to fill in for beverly as "miss myrtle" in smoke on the mountain, and if i do say so myself, i was extravagant. i mean after ALL that i have done for that theater the least they could do is pay me (jolyn will get this joke. and yes i am joking). but other than that i have just been going to school. at let me just say that my tuesday night math class is a complete dismal. all of the material is pretty simple but it is soooo boring, and no one listens to that poor woman trying to teach.

also, harrison has been an extremely bad friend through all of this mayhem. (not that he knew, or cared) but he doesnt even have the common curtosy to text back! and the only time he did text me back was when i was mad at him. i really was counting on harrison t be there for me. and what if he comes back from utah and he is completely different! whether it is for the better or the worse.

i just got a letter from meredith today. i love her. and i miss her soo bad.

emma and meredith both came home last week. i didn't get to see emma which sucked but i did get to see my merebear. 

in about twenty or so minutes i'll hve to get my butt up and go to work.

plans for this week: 

fri- go to school then work then the football game. go blue flame!

sat- i think i told someone i would do something with them but nothing pops into my head at the moment.

sun- church(prob) and then i have rehearsal at 2:00

oh and i have talked to kayla and she said that she really likes her dorm and her roommates but st. augustine just isn't the place for her. i miss her =[

to take the last flight out is when you wait for there to be some other option, some other way, before you must  decide to do what is best for you.

No. 10 follow your heart

last night i had to say the hardest goodbye i've ever had to say in my entire life.

kayla is, no doubt, one of the closest people in my life. it is so weird to think that she is really gone.


now anyone who knows me, knows kayla. we are what you may call inseperable. but we werent the overbearing type. we both understood the others priorities and other friends. it was the perfect balance. the time we shared over the past year has been amazing. my only regret may be that we werent friends sooner.

kayla always wanted me to go for what i wanted to do. and she is doing what she thought she wanted to do. shes following her heart..

...and now its my turn.


to the end of the earth and back. to the deepest corners of the bottomless sea. whever your heart may lead, may you follow.

No. 9 never give up

and then there was me.

now that emma is gone, i really am the single member of the core four still at home.
it's quite tragic.

in my free time i have finished the twilight series and yesterday i finished my chelsea handler book(which was hilarious.). and now that i dont have school every other day i went to emmas on wednesday to wish her off. i got her a little vera keychain thing cause homegirl was in desperate need and we watched olympic men's volleyball.

and now as i'm nearing the departure of my remaining best friend, kayla, i have one wish for all of my college goers. and that bit of advice is simply the title of this blog.

and pray for me. i may fall into a deep spiral of depression and have serious thoughts of dropping out of high school and move in with my friends at college and roam everywhere.

im totally (kinda) kidding.


never give up... pretty self-explanatory.

No. 8 swing as high as you can

and then there were two.

the core four is diminishing entirely too fast. i find myself stopping to recoup.

this morning you left for the good ole capital of our great state. and while you were gone it was my turn to go shopping. though my closet didnt expand quite as much as yours did, i still managed to get all i needed to begin the school year. and then i went to dinner at applebees, went to the show, then went BACK to applebees for dessert.

it wasnt hard to say goodbye to you. not that we really even said the whole goodbye thing. i think its because i know you'll come back, just like you have. but then i cant seem to stop myself from thinking of the long periods of your absence.

but on a lighter note, my supervisor called me and told me that she could use me for afterschool!!! yay! so im not unemployed!

i miss you.

p.s. gimme yo address!


life is a swing set. it has ups and downs. but always remember how high you've been, even in your lowest of lows.

No. 7 whistle in the dark

i thought i would be more sad. more distraught. i dont really know what i was expecting but not really this. it feels like nothing has changed. that i could go to your house right now and see you there.

i know that when you come home it will feel like no time has passed but while the time is passing i will always wish that we were all together. and i have hardly any time left with the rest of them.

you shouldn't have been first to go.


i want only the best for you and i hope you find something that you're looking for. don't make this trip for not.

until you come home i'll just wait. i'll wait and try to entertain myself.
like i said, i'll prob read.


a whistle is a sound of hope, when you're scared and all seems lost.

No. 6 sing the wrong words

today, and only today, was a very good day.

i woke up feeling the same i always do. work was boring up until the firefighting clowns arrived. they were cheesy but still managed to spice it up. after work i came home for lunch and i took my mom to the movies. we saw mamma mia! (fo free...my cousin works there) and then we went to staples, walmart, poor richards, and the library. mamma mia was very good despite its times of cheese. and i purchased the last two books of the twilight saga and vanity fair. my mom got some cookbooks and printer ink.

all in all, it was a good day.



now yesterday! it was fun but it had its ups and downs.

ups. hanging out with jolyn, being on the board!, seeing katherine, finishing new moon.

downs. paying for a season membership (to be on the board), my mom had surgery, harrison.



take from it what you may.


and now, on to eclipse.


to sing the wrong words is a way to express your own individuality. be different.

No. 5 build sandcastles

it is a mystery.

through all the friendships i've had i cannot remember one that still doesnt hold some significant memory for me. i'll always remember these days as the ones that changed my life. but there are still more days to come. and the mystery is the question that always lingers: was i good enough? as a friend, a son, a student. i surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, who lift me up. but i have never stopped to realize if i'm doing the same for them.

i would hope so. but now, more than ever, i feel so low. i feel nauseas. as if id done something horribly wrong. perhaps this feeling isnt altogether justified. perhaps its just too late.


i need to read.



a sandcastle is a friendship, a family, or even a small dose of innocence. the things that being alive is all about.

No. 4 jump in mudpuddles

when i think back to any time in the past i can think of any given moment of pure happiness.

today was a day like any other. i was awoken by the sound of my phone singing "omigod you guys" and my supervisor asking me to come into work as soon as possible. today was "gender day". a day where the girls got to be girls and the boys got to be boys. so i traipsed through mud and through many given sprinklers. and to be quite honest with you, i enjoyed it. now anyone who knows me is well aware that i am in no way, shape or form manly, and to simply imagine myself having fun doing such man things is quite the hilarity. i even have a nice farmers tan to show for it.

after work i met up with my friend amy. we have endured the pains of PHS together. and we've been from having every class together in ninth grade, to now having no classes together at all. and it saddens me to even think of how much we've grown apart. we used to be so close. but then again, i used to be much more closed. through my involvement in school and out of school activities we have found moments of lost time in our friendship. but today we simply thought over the past. we had coffee and made a excursion to wal-mart, and in doing so, fought a monsoon. while there i got new moon, the second book in the twilight saga. afterwards she returned to my house where we vaguely watched harry potter and continued talking.

the fears of the future are still looming.
the fear of college.
and the fear of lost friends.


i just finished twilight. and now i will return to my bed and continue on to new moon.



a mudpuddle represents all things in life that you are too scared to experience.

No. 3 work

oh dear god.

to start off, i work at the ymca as a camp counselor and today i had to have a special meeting with my site coordinator and my supervisor about how pitiful i have been as a counselor. i let the door close in the bathroom, i raise my voice to the children, and i speak to them in a condescending manor. now, to you that might not sound like too big of a deal, but to them; oh please believe it is. and i really do understand because whatever the child says is the truth. period. but what made me mad i think, was that i had a special meeting about it andddd there was even a TYPED list of the concerns. but it's all good. i really do enjoy my place of employment and my coordinator, tara.

and now to the good stuff. i was downstairs with the younger children and erik and tara were upstairs with the older ones. when the oldest group came back down we played a game that is sort of like dodgeball but you try to hit the other teams cones... anyway! so off to the side one of the older girls starts crying. i'd say she is about 13 or so. and when brittany asked her what was wrong she told her:

"i was sitting there and were were talking about the jonas brothers and miley cyrus and i said that the jonas brothers were pretty cute but that they couldn't really sing and neither could miley cyrus. and then she started choking me and hitting me on the back of the neck."

now if you dont find that as funny as i do them i'm dreadfully sorry. but godbless, i can just imagine a girl getting so pissed when someone talks crap about her disney stars that she becomes so livid that she feels the need to injure another person over it. but i'm talking this girl, the strangler, is only 12 but is a pretty big girl. needless to say that she is on probation the rest of the week and has multiple punishments. oh gah, some things.

but other than that my day was pretty bland. i woke up this morning and me and my sister went to easley to get books. she wanted twilight and i wanted an abundance of katherines. poor richards didnt have my book so amber took me to barnes and noble in greenville (she owes me big time for a previous offence). and lo and behold that b&n didnt have it either. i was pissed so when amber told me she wasnt getting anything i was like "eff that" and i got twilight. i mean everyone says its good, right? might as well join the bandwagon.

i'm almost done with looking for alaska.
its a good one.

No. 2

Passion.

In all that I do I attempt to be all that I can be. But in some aspects of life I simply have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the best. Like, for instance football. Please believe I can't put a spin on a football to save my life. I can fully accept that. But if I had a passion in football then maybe I would have the drive to learn how to properly throw a football.

And so whenever I am asked "what do you want to do in life?" All I can possibly think of doing is theater. I believe I can act, sing, and dance fairly well. And even though I may not be the best I still feel that I have the potential to get better.

I never want to give myself any reason to hate my life. I want what I want and I'll get what I want. If I die trying at least I'll know that I never gave up.

That's my passion.

No. 1

all things have a beginning.
and this is the beginning of this blog.

i am, unfortunately, the last of the core four to start a blog. i know i will never keep it up. but who knows, maybe this could be fun? maybe?

when i think of a blog i think of a journal of some sorts. a place where you write down what has happened to you that day. and seeing as how it is only 9:47 on the morning, not a thing has happened. oh! except that when i woke up this morning i had a peculiar text message from one of my best friend's, kayla, boyfriend. it was obviously not intended for me since it was talking about me in the text. so we had a nice conversation about how awkward he feels when kayla and i are together with him and that from now on we'll each have our own kayla time. and i reassured him that i completely understood how he felt. i mean, me and kayla can get pretty crazy. but it sucks that it has to be like that. i really do like hollis, but i suppose we all make our own choices.

blah blah blah. i'm so boring....

oh! at about 12 i will be going to my place of occupation. the pickens county ymca. there i am a summer camp counselor aka babysitter. at times i have 15 children at a time. and while meredith only has 2, she still gets paid better than me. but its a job.

what else can i say? ahhhh. i will talk about the core four.
the core four is a group of people known individually as emma, meredith, harrison, and myself. we have been through the highest highs and... some lows. in everything we do we remain true to who we are. you see, in a normal friendship you look for things you have in common. take me and kayla for instance: we are basically the same person (cept shes a black girl and i'm a white boy). but the core four is something completely different. we are all different in our own ways. and to describe these things would be ridiculously challenging, so i will leave that for some other time. but through all of our differences we still stay the same. its something i consider amazing. i love them all sooooooooooo much. and i dont think they will ever know.

but everyones leaving me come august.
meredith is going back to usc
emma is going to wintrop
harrison's going to utah

...and even kayla is going to florida!

it makes me sad to think about it. but i know we'll all come back together. we always have.




anyways! whew! for a first post this bitch is pretty lengthy.
so i'll end it here.



p.s. sorry for the absence of capitalization. it takes too long.
p.p.s. that was mainly directed at meredith. she would be the one. haha